Utterly Maddening
by princesspooka
Summary: She's driven him crazy since day one, but he hasn't let on that she affects him more than anyone else in this godforsaken hospital. Dr. Cox and Elliot. No Jordan, no Keith, AU. Return after very long hiatus.
1. Chapter 1

AN/Disclaimer: I don't own Scrubs or any of the characters.

Chapter 1

She was driving him crazy. Who wasn't? But he sure as hell had never thought of bending "Sally" over a gurney. And Gandhi didn't make him hard when he rattled off medical terminology. There were plenty of cute nurses scattered throughout the hospital, so why couldn't he get the random and annoying Dr. Barbie out of his head?

Dr. Perry Cox stormed down the corridor to the nurses' station. His scowlier than usual scowl made those in his path cower, but he didn't notice. His mind was elsewhere. Then, he stopped abruptly and sniffed. Once. Twice. It was her. She was close. And he was a sad, sad little man. She walked out of the room to his right and he held back the urge to wrap a fist in her blonde hair and drag her to the janitor's closet.

"Oh! Dr. Cox. I wanted to-"

"Barbie, you'd better make it quick because my patience is fading by the second and I'm just itching to make someone cry today. And why, in God's name, are you wearing that horrible perfume? Did you really need to bathe in it?"

Elliot looked at him as if he'd grown another head.

"I'm not wearing perfume. Maybe it's my shampoo, it does smell really fruity. I didn't think it was that strong, though. Here, smell my hair."

She bent her head and stuck it close to his chest. He steeled himself against the urge to take a deep breath of her and gritted his teeth.

"I am not going to sniff your head."

Straightening, Elliot looked at him and started to turn slightly red.

"What do you want, Barbie?"

"Mr. Richardson had some blood work done yesterday and I was wondering if you'd take a look at the results. There are a few abnormalities and I-"

"Fine. I'm going to lunch. I'll look at them and talk to you after I'm done."

He held out his hand for the labs.

"Oh, I'm going to lunch, too, so let's just talk while we eat."

She turned and started down the hall. Perry looked up to the heavens before following her to the cafeteria. Now, he was staring at her hips, the way they swayed when she walked. He just wanted to plunge into her warmth over and over again until she screamed his name.

"Dr. Cox!"

"What?" he snapped.

He was angry but relieved that Carla had interrupted his daydream. She motioned him over the counter at the nurses' station.

"I just wanted to let you know that the way you were staring at Elliot's behind is not, in any way, unnoticeable. And no matter how hard you stare, her pants will not magically fall off."

Perry's mouth dropped open. Carla smirked at him. His face turned red.

"I was NOT staring at BARBIE'S ass. I was pondering a dilemma, a dilemma that had nothing to do with her. I was lost in thought, and unaware of where my eyes had focused."

"Mmhmm."

"Mmmhhmmmhmm," he mocked, sneering.

Carla laughed and pointed to where Elliot had paused to wait for Dr. Cox.

"Your Barbie awaits."

Involuntarily, his eyes immediately went to Elliot's breasts.

"Yeah. Unaware. Totally."

Carla rolled her eyes and walked away. Perry stalked over to Elliot, furious at being caught. Her tentative smile faltered as he came bearing down on her.

"Do you want coffee? I'm going to get some coffee. You take sugar, right? Sit down and I'll go get it."

She scampered off like a rabbit. He sat down and basically growled at anyone that attempted to bother him. He watched the way Elliot smiled and chatted with people on her way back over to him. It irked him that she was never at ease like that when she spoke to him, even though he knew he did nothing to alleviate her fears.

"Here you go! It's really hot, so be careful. I knocked a cup of hot coffee into a poor intern's lap once, and he screamed like a woman. It was so bad, he got blisters on his-"

"I don't care. I know the coffee is hot. It's supposed to be. Where are the labs?"

"Right here."

She set the folder on the table between them. Perry reached for them and his fingers brushed against hers. Elliot jumped back as if the slight contact had burned her. Her elbow caught her coffee as she pulled back, and it went toppling into her lap. She screeched and jumped up, nearly falling backwards.

"FRICK! Frick, frick, frick!"

"Christ, Barbie! Didn't you just warn me about the coffee?"

Perry got up and walked around the table to her. A huge coffee stain covered the bottom half of her scrub top, and the crotch area of her pants. Her eyes were closed, and her fists were clenched. Perry grabbed her by the elbow.

"You have got to be the klutziest person I have ever met. You're even worse than "Susan." Come on; let's go get you some new scrubs."

"I'm fine."

But he saw her wince as she took a few steps.

"Carla, get me some icepacks."

He caught them as she threw them.

"Are you ok, Elliot?"

"Hot coffee."

"Oh. Do you have extra scrubs?"

"I think so, yeah. Poor Dave."

Perry looked at her like she was insane. Carla cleared his confusion.

"Intern. Blisters on his-"

"I got it," he said as he waved his hand at her.

They finally made it to the locker room and Elliot went to her locker. Still, Perry stood there with the icepacks condensating in his hand.

"Thanks, Dr. Cox. I think I can put my own pants on, though."

"I don't know, Barbie, you might just fall and break a hip. I really don't understand how you function on a daily basis."

She glared at him, and then opened her locker.

"You really can leave now."

"Let's see the damage, and then I'll go."

Her head whipped around, eyes wide. She shook her head.

"I'm a doctor. Believe me; I don't have a secret urge to see your panties. I just want to make sure you're not blistering on your-"

"I'm fine," she squeaked.

Nope, no secret urge to see her panties. Just an urge to see, touch, taste every inch of her.

"Pants off. Now."

He set the ice down on a bench. Elliot fumbled with the soggy string on her waistband. His pulse raced, but he kept his expression blank. She kept her head down as she pushed her pants to her ankles and stepped out of them. Perry gritted his teeth as he looked at her lacy hot pink panties. Then he noticed the angry red marks on her thighs. Elliot was staring at the ceiling, humming. She was definitely turning the same shade as her panties.

"Sit down, and keep the ice on your legs for about 15 minutes."

She sat and he got on one knee next to her as he spoke, placing the ice wrapped in a towel on her thighs. She tensed, and then sighed as the throbbing in her scalded skin began to subside.

"And try not to injure yourself or anyone else until I am out of earshot."

Suddenly the door flung open. Perry and Elliot looked sharply at the intruder. JD stopped midstride, his mouth forming a small "o" of surprise. They all stared for a few seconds.

"Bye!"

JD turned and hurried back out the door. Elliot groaned.

"Great. Super great."

"Calm down, Blondie. What's he going to do, tell everyone what color your underpants are? I'm sure he's seen it before."

God that made him ridiculously jealous.

"No, these are new, and he won't bother with the underwear. He probably couldn't see it with you in the way. With your hand on my thigh, while I'm not wearing pants."

Perry snatched his hand away. Then he got up.

"I'll take care of "Nancy." You get changed. Since we didn't get to Mr. Richardson's labs, stop over at my place on your way home, and I'll let you know what I think. In the meantime, continue his treatment for whatever he came here for."

"Ok, but-"

He was already gone, leaving her dumbstruck. And dammit, she didn't have any extra panties!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Scrubs or any of the characters.

Chapter 2

"And, Carla, she wasn't wearing pants!"

JD finished telling Carla about the scene he'd walked in on with Dr. Cox and Elliot. Dr. Cox and Elliot! Weird! He was so mean-spirited and she was so spastic. A hand clamped down on his shoulder. Carla gave him a pitying look, and JD knew.

"So, did you get to the juicy bits yet, "Patty," because I'm just itching to hear the latest scoop."

"Dr. Cox, I can assure you, there was no juice."

"Well, gee. I could have sworn I heard you say something about "she wasn't wearing pants" in your high-pitched and girlish voice. So dish."

He was still wearing his "smile." JD shivered.

"Well, it's just...I saw...and Elliot was...and you had...she wasn't wearing pants!"

"And that must seem odd to you, considering she was probably the one wearing the pants when you were a couple."

Carla snickered. JD pouted in her direction.

"Come on, Bambi. You know it's funny because it's true."

"Of course it's true. Now, walk with me."

Dr. Cox steered him away from the nurses' station. JD seriously feared for his life for a second. Then he remembered he was in a building full of doctors and nurses. He frowned again as he tried to think if any of them would come to his aid.

"Alright, "Lucy." Dr. Reed spilled coffee in her lap. It burned her legs. I helped her to the locker room. I checked to see how bad it was, put ice on it, and that's all. Any questions? I didn't think so. So, if you told anyone besides Carla, and it comes back to Barbie that I was eyeballs deep between her legs while she wore a sombrero and sang "Memories" from "Cats," I will kill you. Several times in a row."

"OK."

"Great."

There was that "smile." Perry scribbled something onto a piece of paper.

"Give this to Barbie."

He thrust the folded slip into JD's hands and walked away. JD opened the note furtively. His eyes widened. He ran back to Carla.

"Carla!" he hissed.

"Bambi, Dr. Cox will kill you if you don't shut it. I don't think I could handle that. Especially with Christopher crying like a woman about your untimely demise."

"You know, whichever of us dies first is getting stuffed like Rowdy, so it will be like I'm still there."

"Eewww."

JD turned to look at Elliot. An Elliot wearing pants.

"Not "eewww." It's definitely "aawww."

"Whatever, JD. Here are those ice packs, Carla. Thanks."

"So, you're OK?"

"Yeah, Dr. Cox checked me out."

"Oh, I know, honey, I know."

Carla walked over to the freezer and put the ice packs away.

"Here."

JD thrust Dr. Cox's not at Elliot. She took it, puzzled.

"Are we back in junior high?"

"It's from Dr. Cox. He asked me to give it to you."

Elliot blushed. JD and Carla exchanged a knowing glance.

"Thanks."

She turned to walk away. Then she turned back.

"JD, can you go get me a sandwich?"

"Not really, I have to..."

He trailed off as he saw the looks Carla and Elliot were giving him. They radiated "girl talk."

"Yeah. Turkey."

And off he went.

"Carla, I need to ask you something."

"OK, Elliot."

Carla leaned forward as Elliot got closer.

"What would you think if a guy made sure you were ok after you injured yourself, saw you in your panties and then told you to stop by his place after work?"

"Bastard."

"What?"

"Nothing. Elliot, I would say he was a bad man, and mean, and bad!"

"Are you serious? You know who I'm talking about, right? I mean, the only reason I didn't say his name is because..."

Elliot motioned to the nurses, all paused and waiting for each tidbit of the conversation. Laverne scowled and went back to typing. The others followed suit, going back to their duties.

"Oh, I know who you're talking about. I just want to make sure you know. Remember who he is, how he's treated you, and that he would never seriously consider a relationship with you."

Carla's eyes widened.

"I didn't mean it like that."

Elliot looked hurt and angry.

"It's OK. I know you did. I'm too ditzy and blonde to hold his interest. Well, I guess we'll find out."

Elliot spun and marched away.

"Elliot! Please, I..."

Carla slumped and frowned. Look what her big mouth had done. JD came over, sandwich in hand.

"Turkey?"

Carla pointed in the direction Elliot had gone. JD looked at Carla's face, so downcast.

"So would now be a good time or a bad time to tell you it was his address in the note?"

She frowned more.

"And he signed it "Perry" not "Dr. Cox.""

Carla glared at him. He shrugged. Then he leaned forward.

"So, is this weird to you? It's totally weird to me."

"It is kinda messin' with my head."

Carla and JD looked at Laverne.

"What? You think I don't hear every word you're saying over there?"

She turned away. Carla looked like she was going to cry. JD looked fascinated by Laverne's super-hearing and a little weirded out by the other situation.

"So, do you think she's-"

"I don't know."

Carla sighed dramatically. Then she whipped her head around to look at JD, horror on her face.

"Do you think he'll-"

"God, I hope not! Unless it makes him want to hang out and watch a game or two with me. 'Cause Elliot and I are such good friends, you know?"

Carla made a disgusted sound and walked away.

"Man, why you gotta piss her off?"

Turk was glaring at JD.

"Dude, not me. Well, kinda. But, I think she's mostly worried about Elliot."

Turk hopped up and sat on the counter.

"What's wrong with our resident blonde bombshell?"

"Does Carla know you call her that?"

"No. I would be unmanned in a heartbeat. Carla thinks I don't get to use my eyeballs unless she's there to monitor."

"Oh. Well, anyway, Elliot and Dr. Cox might kind of sort of have a thing. Maybe."

JD's statement was met with silence. And then crazy laughter.

"No way! Because I totally thought I saw him sniffing her hair the other day, but I wasn't positive."

"Really? Well, she does smell very fruity, it always makes me hungry. Maybe he just wanted some fruit or something. But, get this; she's going to his place tonight!"

"It sounds sexy, but I bet it's work-related, JD. Come on. Cox, big baddie, and Elliot, sweet little slammin' hottie? She's terrified of him. Nothing's gonna happen."

Elliot stood just out of sight, listening. She was resolved. Something was going to happen. Perry, pretending to make some copies at the nurses' station went unnoticed as he heard the conversation about himself and Barbie. He was determined that nothing would happen tonight. It was just business.


End file.
